Gold star gay and gold star lesbian are slang terms that refer to a homosexual person who has never had sex with a man. These phrases can be joking or sincerely held, but they have been criticised for being exclusionary towards bisexuality and for stigmatising survivors of sexual violence.
In fact, this term can make it difficult for lesbians who have experienced trauma relating to men to talk about their experiences.
Definition
If a lesbian has never had sex with a man, she is considered to be a gold star lesbian. This is a status that some lesbians take pride in, and it can be used as a way to denigrate women who have had sex with cis men. However, there are many problems with this term. For example, it reinforces ideas of purity and a lack of tolerance for non-cis women, and can exclude people who have been victims of compulsory heterosexuality or sexual assault. It also puts too much emphasis on the importance of genitalia, and can be used as an excuse to discriminate against trans people or women with non-cis genitalia.
While the term can be used jokingly or as a statement of identity, it is not appropriate for all lesbians. It places too much value on certain sexual experiences, and can be harmful to people who have suffered from trauma relating to men.
Origin
The phrase gold star lesbian first appeared in the season three episode of the LGBTQ drama series “The L Word”. It was used to describe a lesbian who had only ever had sex with other women. It was a term some lesbians took pride in, but it has become increasingly controversial. It relies on notions of sexual purity that can be seen as cissexist and misogynist. It also excludes people who may not want to have sex with men for cultural or personal reasons.
The term is often used in jest, but it can also be a way to highlight the fact that many young gay men experiment with straight sex before coming out as gay. In either case, the term should be avoided because it stigmatises people who choose not to have sex with men. It also places an inordinate amount of value on certain experiences, which can be harmful for people who have experienced sexual violence or other forms of oppression.
Meaning
In LGBT slang, a gold star lesbian is a lesbian who has never had sex with a man. This term can be used for both joking and sincerely held identity, and has been criticised as exclusionary towards bisexuality and experiences of gender outside the binary. It also can stigmatise rape survivors, as it implies that a sexual history that includes men makes you less of a lesbian.
The phrase is particularly controversial because it relies on notions of purity in abstaining from (cisgender) men, and often leans into cissexist ideas of gender. For example, in a 2021 BBC article, porn actor Lily Cade described herself as a “gold star lesbian” because she has only ever had sex with other women, not men. She later retracted the comments after a wave of homophobic backlash, but her initial statements have been widely cited as a form of transphobia. This fetishistic way of describing sexuality places value on some sexual experiences over others, and excludes people who have experienced violence and trauma related to men.
Examples
In LGBT slang, gold star gay and gold star lesbian refer to a man or woman who has never had sex with another person of the same gender. These terms can be joking or sincerely held, and they can be controversial. They can be seen as exclusionary towards bisexuality and other experiences of gender and sexuality, and they can stigmatise survivors of sexual violence.
The term was popularised in the third season of the television series “The L Word”, when a character, played by Jess Weixler, referred to herself as a gold star lesbian. However, the phrase has become controversial, with articles such as “5 Reasons Why the Phrase ‘Gold Star Lesbian’ Needs to Die” and others criticising it for placing value on some sexual experiences over others.
